Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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