im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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