dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
