She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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