no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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