I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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