His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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