The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
