well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
