Heybabeimwearingurpanties
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
