It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sponge bath it is.
I'm passing your future prison.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
