A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
