I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
