is your mom at the bar?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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