I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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