i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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