I will die if light touches me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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