I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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