Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
