All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
