Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
