There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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