She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
