when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
