I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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