At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
