Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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