I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Two words: blizzard sex
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