the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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