If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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