I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
