if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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