Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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