if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
