A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
