Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
