I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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