I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
