turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
