ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
