everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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