god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
