it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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