it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
