soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
