i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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