I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
