So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
