Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
