I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
